Just Say NO: to Your Kids

By Shae, March 2005

“They want to be their kids’ best friend and make sure they’re having fun, but what kids really need is for parents to be parents,” -Marsha Moritz (Parent Engagement Network)

Today’s generation of parents has always been driven to give their kids every advantage, from Mommy and Me swimming lessons to the highest quality of school supplies. Despite their good intentions, too many find themselves raising, “wanting machines” who follow the marketing arrows that are aimed right at them. One survey of elementary school children found that when they want something new, most expect their parents to give in after nine times of asking. For some reason this generation of parents has forgotten how to say “NO.”

According to the September issue of Newsweek, psychologists say parents who overindulge their kids may actually be setting them up to be more susceptible to future anxiety and depression. William Damon, director Stanford University Center of Adolescence says, “The risk of overindulgence is self-centeredness and self-absorption, and that’s a mental-health risk. You sit around feeling anxious all the time instead of figuring out what you can do to make a difference in the world.” It’s time to stop the madness and start teaching children what is really important: values like hard work, delayed gratification, honesty, integrity, and compassion. The only way to accomplish this is to master the word “NO”.

Teach Them

Baby boomers swore they would do things differently than their own parents. They all want to have a closer relationship with their children. Some parents even wear the same clothes and listen to the same music their kids do. “So whenever their children get angry at them, it makes this generation feel a lot guiltier than the previous generation.” Says Laurence Stieinberg a psychologist at Temple University. These parents are confusing permissiveness with love. Experts agree: too much love won’t spoil a child, but too few limits will!

Kids need to learn to overcome challenges, it is essential to becoming a successful adult. Whether that is having to earn money to buy their own cosmetics, or having a set list of chores, kids need to have parents who are on the sideline cheering them on, but not caving in.

Tell Them

In theory, saying no and setting limits with your children should be a piece of cake. In practice, it can be extremely difficult. Jean Illsley Clarke, a Minnesota parenting expert, came up with 17 various ways to say no when your child is whining:

  1. No.
  2. No, for sure.
  3. No, and that’s final.
  4. No! Do not ask me again.
  5. I have thought about it and the answer is no.
  6. We don’t have money for that right now.
  7. You already have enough of those.
  8. I don’t approve of it.
  9. Nice try.
  10. I already know you know how to nag.
  11. Go find something else to do.
  12. I’m starting to get really angry with you
  13. Your whining makes me think you already have too many toys.
  14. I remember saying no.
  15. Who is the grown up here?
  16. I am not going to change may mind about this.
  17. It’s your money, but I’m in charge.

(List found in 2004 September edition of Newsweek, “The power of NO”)

Show Them

Parents who want to teach values have to take a long, hard look at their own. Children learn self control by watching how other people behave, especially their parents. By being an example, parents can teach their children good values and ethics in the most effective and influential way.

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